Friday, April 22, 2011

That Cold Hug

My heart is heavy this afternoon. I'm incredibly sad. Hard to walk. My cheeks feel droopy and my eyesight is blurring. What is wrong? I did have a feeling before I left to see her but I wanted to meet with the hopes of making a new friend. A friend who shares a love of horses. The conversation was awkward; hard to maintain eye contact. The highlight was the big warm blooded Hanoverian gelding. He was nuzzling and open. Just like all animals, the connection is always honest, non-judgmental, happy to be with you, comfortable. With a hug she says goodbye, but the hug was cold. Not genuine. Extending my hand may have set the cold mood, but the answering hug was worse. Was it me? Was I exuding the uncomfortable air that hung between us? That feeling won't go away. I'm just going to let the blue funk take me. From past experiences, I can't fight it. It always comes hard, sweeping, engulfing.

The sun is shining this morning, those puffy white clouds that make the cobalt blue sky even more intense. Blue skies this morning, blue funk last night. One call from a mutual friend led me out of the depressing feeling that engulfed me. Everyone hides things, weird things, shameful things, things we just don't want anyone to know about. I believe that we all can read the energy of others, whether consciously or subconsciously. That feeling yesterday, was it because I read a troubled soul? One that used alcohol to hide the emptiness, the boredom, the losses in her life? Or maybe it was mirroring my feelings? My fear, my loss, my boredom.

I'm pulling myself into the now of existence. The only place I want to be. "Surround yourself in the now," I say. "You can do it." Really isn't that hard, but it does take a great deal of effort. Not living in the now has led me into the past, experiencing all those horrible feelings over and over again. "Not anymore," I say. "Not anymore." The only life I have is the one I create from this point onward to happy, content, active feelings and the anticipation of what exciting event is going to happen now.

1 comment:

  1. I know this is an old post, just that I missed it before.